


To Feel Whole Again

by uzu



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Boarding School, First Everything, First Kiss, First Time, Homophobia, M/M, Slow Burn, hanbin is emo ok, mentions of abuse, very messy im sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-10
Updated: 2017-08-25
Packaged: 2018-12-13 23:04:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11770302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uzu/pseuds/uzu
Summary: Four years. four years since he's been stripped of who he was and forced to leave his life behind. One year until he could finally leave.Until Bobby comes along, making him regret ever wanting to leave in the first place.





	1. Chapter 1

Grey blazers. Distant chattering in the hallways. The faint smell of dirt coming in from the courtyard. It all feels too familiar to Hanbin, yet he can't ever imagine a day where he'd get used to living comfortably around these occurrences. He's leaning anxiously against the ledge of a window, subconsciously playing with the hem of his same-old-somwhat-small blazer as he eyes the swarms of freshmen flooding into the building. What are they looking so excited for? Quietly, he lets out a sigh for the millionth time that morning and heads towards the dorms.

 _

"Welcome to Hangyuk Academy!"

The principle's booming voice makes Hanbin flinch, but only slightly. He forces himself to straighten his back, swallowing hard in the process, and attempts to not drift away in the middle of the principle's speech.

"I'm seeing many eager faces here today, but also nervous ones. I want to let you know that there's nothing to be worried about as it's only your first week of the academic year in this school." He pauses, carefully observing all the new faces before continuing,  
"and that means it's orientation week! This will give you a proper chance to get used to your surroundings and make new friends..."

By now, Hanbin's completely zoned out of reality. The grass outside looks greener than it ever has and he observes each blade separately, wondering when on earth colour began to make its way back into his vision after all these years. Truthfully, it's been a dull four years - in fact, that's an understatement - it's been horrible. He's been practically forced to attend a boarding school he never even knew he would be going to. No amount of begging on his knees and choking on ugly sobs would change his mother's mind. It was more painful knowing she had decided months beforehand, not telling him until a day before she sent him off.

"Now, we'll be splitting everyone into six different groups!"

Hanbin snaps back into his daily life at these words, straightening his back once more and roughly clenching his jaw into place.

"These groups will be lead by six of our top students, who are standing right at the back of the hall. Three girls, three boys. You'll be able to go meet your assigned student once you've been told whose group you are in."

Students begin to chatter amongst themselves; some already in their chosen friendship groups, others not so much. Fortunately, Hanbin doesn't remember much from his first week. He prays it's the same for the whole four years he had to embark and the other yet to come. Out of the corner of his eye he sees the other five students leaning against the rich-looking oak walls, all minding their own business; some making their boredom more obvious than others.

And by that 'some' he means Kim Donghyuk and Koo Junhoe.

In his four years of experiencing life in this godawful school, Hanbin has never intended to make friends. Not since the beginning (hence him resulting in one of the top students due to him dedicating all his time on studies), but he's always had a guilty pleasure of observing others around him.

Donghyuk was a loud kid, definitely not the obnoxious type, but if you were to hear him laugh from the west wing of the school, you'd most likely hear it in the east wing. It wasn't necessarily a bad trait, however it made Hanbin's skin crawl and throat close up and so he decided to stay away from the loud guy. Donghyuk was also known as the sweetheart of the school and Hanbin thought it was fitting, if not a little humiliating. He couldn't ever live with a nickname like that. Although this was only because being kind was natural for Donghyuk; he was always on the optimistic side, finding the good in every little thing. Yet another reason why Hanbin knew they wouldn't get along.

Apart from that, Hanbin didn't know much else and didn't really bother researching more than was needed. 

Now, Junhoe was a different case, not mysterious per se, but more on the quieter side. He liked reading 18th century novellas and studying Gothic literature in his spare time.  
You'd never catch him getting into arguments or starting riots or even genuinely laughing at something. Though there's always a small hint of a smile somewhere on his face. Only if you look very carefully. His looks told a whole different story, one would say his face came straight out of a Vogue magazine. Junhoe's facial features were noticeably strong and stood out quite a lot but strangely no one spoke about it, at least not out loud. Everyone in the school knew he was attractive, looking "too good" for this stale environment as he heard someone say.

Yes, his appearance and his personality were in fact polar opposites. But Hanbin had nothing much to say about that.

"Um...excuse me?"

Hanbin steadily took his eyes off the boys he was once again studying, and twisted his head to see where the small voice was coming from: he saw a thin, mousy looking girl staring up at him (more like through him). Behind her stood another six people. For the first time this morning, Hanbin felt relief flood his body as he found that only seven students had to be guided this week - the smallest group too! Without making it obvious, he quickly looked at the others' groups and counted about fifteen whopping students in each one. So miracles really do happen.

"I-uh....we're in your group this week."

She was barely audible but Hanbin didn't mind, in fact he preferred someone quiet to have spoken to him. It was easier to deal with.  
He flashed her a toothy smile, a real one at that, and extended his hand to shake hers.

"Yes, I see. My name's Kim Hanbin and I'll be your guide for orientation week!"

It scared him how happy he sounded but he shook the feeling away, turning his gaze to the other students who all seemed to be doing their own thing. Just like last year and the year before that, he gathered all the freshmen together and started giving them the procedure talk he was way too used to giving by now.

Hanbin was nearing the end of his lecture when a mess of brown waves and a sharp, protruding jawline caught his eye. He couldn't see his face clearly but he could instantly tell that the boy seemed too out of place. Too out there. His eyes started to drift in the strangers direction, and he didn't seem to notice how he stopped talking altogether, leaving his mouth hanging wide open.

"Hyung?"

Hanbin jumped out of his trance and felt a furious, red blush crawl up his neck, which he very consciously rubbed at, and mumbled an apology while a few of the kids giggled. He couldn't help but avoid the questioning eyes of his group and rapidly finished speaking, dying to get back to his dorm room and scream into a pillow.

However, he decided against that and let the seven newcomers get to know each other first. Meanwhile, he stood, cross armed, yet again carrying on his observation of the others, who were still (trying very hard) to give their speeches to their giant groups. Donghyuk's students loved his charisma and humour, Junhoe's students listened to him intently and couldn't keep their eyes off of him. As expected. The other three girls were also doing decent jobs, but Hanbin couldn't remember their names even if he tried.

What Hanbin was actually looking for though, was the soft brown hair and the razor-sharp jawline among the huge crowd of boring teenagers.

And in moments, he found him. And in that split second of eye contact and a flashy grin, Hanbin knew there was something off about him being there.

Just who are you?


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When he meets the loud one.

The feeling of restlessness settled into Hanbin's bones a little too comfortably that night. He stared wide-eyed at the pitch black ceiling above him, pondering how the rest of the week would go.

Wondering if he'd able to get a closer look at that boy he's been focusing on unintentionally throughout the day.

He was lost in his thoughts when a cool breeze snaked it's way into the room, and Hanbin forced himself not to groan out loud, knowing it'd wake his overly annoying roommate. He stumbled out of bed, cursing internally at the soundly sleeping boy for never closing the window before lights out.

As he approached the clear glass, he changed his mind and opened it a little more so the crisp air would hit his face. If he couldn't sleep, he might as well appreciate the silent night sky and the sparse amount of trees surrounding the campus buildings.

Hanbin gently rested his chin on his palm, letting out a deep sigh that felt like he was holding in forever. The stars were peeking out tonight and the moon shone softly down on the earth beneath, subtly illuminating the landscape before him. Hanbin knew he'd never feel this kind of peace again, and so he started to count the stars. 

One by one. 

Until he tired himself out completely and dozed of in an armchair, letting the breeze envelope him.

_

 

Someone's arm lightly shook Hanbin. Once, then twice, then came a hit on the head - which he knew wasn't intended to be violent, yet still was. He fluttered his eyelids open, immediately squinting at the harsh sunlight pouring into the room while rubbing his temple.

"Care to explain why you were sleeping in the chair and uh, not the bed like a normal human?"

His roommate, Chanwoo, questioned him from his desk while he got his yearly notepads ready for class. All Hanbin could answer with was a throaty groan as he began to notice a dull ache in his back. Great. What a morning this is.  
With a little struggle, Hanbin stood up at last and stretched his body out in every direction imaginable, enjoying the satisfactory cracks of his bones. Though, the ache was still there.

"You could also answer me like a normal human, you know." There was no malice behind those words, but Hanbin knew Chanwoo wasn't in the best of moods considering how early he woke up and was basically mentally leaving the room without actually moving from his seat. He decided to answer properly just to save himself the unwanted trouble.

"I couldn't sleep so I counted the stars," he wanted to mention how the window was always open but kept his mouth sealed, "and ended up falling asleep on the chair."

Hanbin hoped he wouldn't have to say anything more.

_

 

7:45 am.

Ten minutes has passed since Chanwoo left the dorm room, off to who knows where. The dining hall is still closed at this time and so is the library, therefore he really didn't have anywhere else to go. Right in the middle of his teeth brushing routine, it dawned on Hanbin that the reason wht Chanwoo woke up so early was to avoid getting ready with him; using the same bathroom truly was an unwelcoming idea. He shrugged it off, walking to his closet soon after he finished his bathroom duties.

He'd would do the same for Chanwoo. Really.

Hanbin gave the bland uniform a once-over and proceeded to dress himself without rush. He was always well-dressed and never broke the (stupid) rule of tucking in his shirt or not wearing his tie. God, he really was way too used to this pattern. However, this morning he hung his tie loosely around the collar of his shirt, making his way to his tiny desk and grabbed his schedule. It was the first day of orientation week, meaning he has no classes to worry about until next week.

Hanbin celebrates happily in the silence of his room and heads out the door, feeling giddy.

Coal tar, peppermint and a hint of earthy warmness hit his nose like a brick. It was subtle yet powerful; Hanbin automatically took another waft of the refreshing scent, taking pleasure in it while he could.  
In his four years of living here he has never ever smelled something that caught his attention so easily.

Suddenly, a cloud of brown curls drifted past him in one swift motion, too quick for Hanbin to notice who it was. 

He only realised where the smell was coming from once the boy reached the end of the corridor and ruffled his damp hair, giving Hanbin a sly side glance along with the smallest of smirks, before disappearing into his room without a single word.

Hanbin stood in front of his door, gaping at the spot in front of the other boy's room, where he stood half-naked with a towel barely wrapped around his waist just a few seconds ago. All the while giving Hanbin a look that's never been given to him in his seventeen years of living.  
It took him a moment or two to recollect himself as he coughed into his hand, shortly leaving the empty corridor behind him.

_

 

The dining hall was Hanbin's favourite location at ten past eight in the morning. By this time only a few early birds were awake, silently munching on their breakfast while they chatted to their friends. He loved and cherished it greatly.

As usual, the table he sat at was empty and waiting for him. After Hanbin collected his food, he rested into the booths' cushiony seat and glanced out the window right by his table. The perfect view for observing his fellow peers.

There were only a few students out as not many people here were early morning risers, but they were probably just running errands. It was only the first day of school so it's not like anyone had deadlines for homework.

Hanbin sat like that for fifteen slow minutes, admiring how the sun still shined brightly despite it being the beginning of September. Watching how more people entered the hall with their friends as it gradually filled with hungry students and loud chatter.

The increase in noise instantly made Hanbin want to tune it out, so he looked out the window again and scanned the courtyard, looking for anything to distract him from the racket in the building. His silent prayer was answered when, for the second time that morning, he saw the same boy again standing a few metres away.

Technically they already met, Right? They've had a few moments of eye contact, even a few smiles were thrown in his direction so it could count as a greeting of some kind.

Hanbin has yet to hear his voice. He daydreamed about what it would sound like, intensely outlining the others' features with his eyes now that they were in a clearer view.

Strangely, he was beautiful. In a unique way. It was invigorating for Hanbin to see someone different; he was far too used to the boring faces in this school. Everyone looked the same to him, blending perfectly into the background.

The boy's hair was now dry and fluffy and he was fully clothed this time. Thank God. A small smile was playing on his face and then he laughed softly while playfully punching his friends shoulder.

Hanbin continued to stare at his very prominent facial features, feeling a sudden urge to trace them physically with the tip of his fingers. He's never felt so desired to touch someone's face before, so the feeling was pretty new. Truthfully, Hanbin didn't know if he should feel good about it, but he indulged in the feeling anyway.

Then out of nowhere, he locked eyes with the boy right after thinking that. He became completely rigid in his seat. What was he thinking? Touching his face? A stranger's face? Hanbin was frozen yet he felt like there was fire burning his insides.

He felt embarrassed for not breaking the eye contact, especially after the other clearly smirked at him and proceeded to kiss his friend right then and there, right in the centre of the school, never taking his eyes off of Hanbin.

Wait, what's happening. This isn't real. Suddenly he was hyperaware of his surroundings and aching to get away from there. Smells became stronger, vision a lot clearer and the noise around him getting louder and louder.

Hanbin snapped his head away as fast as he could after what he just witnessed, his breathing ragged and uneven. He's never stood up so fast and rushed out of the hall so quickly until now, knocking hard into someone on his way out.

"Hey! Not even a sorry?"

Donghyuk's bony hand took hold of Hanbin's arm and he raised an eyebrow at him, waiting for a response. The most he could do was splurge out word vomit, not understanding anything that was going on around him. The other chuckled lightly, easing Hanbin's anxious state by a lot, which surprised him a little considering how....loud Donghyuk was.

"Sorry. Seems like you're in a hurry so I'll let you go just this one time." He joked effortlessly, but Hanbin couldn't respond. Words were stuck in his throat, suffocating him bit by bit.

Donghyuk finally dropped Hanbin's arm and backed away a little, confusion embedded into his face. Only then could Hanbin muster up a flimsy apology, already rushing down the corridor and trying to collect his thoughts.

He felt as if he purposely invaded someone's privacy and stepped over a very obvious boundary. An ugly shiver electrified his body and Hanbin scolded himself for not looking away when he could.  
With great desperation, he attempted to fill his mind with literally anything else, but sadly the image of the boy kissing someone replayed over and over and over again. Almost as if it was taunting him for being so invasive.

Forcing him to watch it happen all over again.

However, there was something much larger that was nagging him at the back of his mind; the boy very visibly intended to do it so Hanbin would see. He hated admitting this but why else would've they locked eyes? What other explanation was there for the boy looking right back? He could still remember how sharp his eyes were, just like a cat in lurking in the darkness.

They were definitely not cold, not a hint of aversion were in them. It was more like he was trying to tell him something or let him know that he knew Hanbin was looking at him. It was all too much to take in.

Irritated, Hanbin groaned to himself and turned a corner, harshly knocking into someone's small frame. She was the same girl from his group, who was now picking up her glasses from the floor.

"Oh, I'm so sorry!" Hanbin tried his best to sound sincere and helped her get up from the floor.

"No, no. It's okay, I'm fine." She waved him off meekly, smiling shyly up at him.  
"I was looking for you just now anyway. Our group was told to go have breakfast but everyone else is still waking up so, yeah. I....I was just wondering when we were starting our group activities?"

Amazingly, her presence really calmed Hanbin's nerves as he realised he stopped shaking so violently the moment they bumped into each other.

He took a deep breath before answering. "We're going to start around nine fifteen, so you have plenty of time to eat and fully wake up." He laughed timidly, unconsciously scratching at his neck.  
"Tell everyone to meet me in front of the assembly hall, alright?"

She nodded unhesitatingly and they both exchanged brief goodbyes before Hanbin ran off to the schools toilets, suddenly feeling like throwing up.

_

 

Luckily he didn't throw up.

Instead, he aimed straight for the tap water. The coldness of it soothed his nerves and made the fire underneath his skin stop burning so much.  
Hanbin stood like that for a bit, breathing open-mouthed as he looked down at the marble sink. The sound of his breathing echoed of the walls, making him realise he was alone (and felt grateful for that.)

Just when Hanbin was ready to leave, the door opened and a familiar face popped out, smiling apologetically at him.

"Sorry I know it seems like I'm stalking you. I promise I'm not."

He laughed but all Hanbin did was purse his lips together, giving Donghyuk a closed-lip smile. He really wanted to be left alone and it was just his luck that one of the loudest people was now bothering him. Nothing could explain how bad this day was apart from having bad luck.

Donghyuk forced a cough to get rid of the awkward situation. It didn't really work.

"Anyway, are you okay? You seemed really panicked back there."

"Thanks for worrying, but I'm fine." Hanbin bowed his head, mumbling a small thank you again before walking past Donghyuk and out the door.

"Wait!"

Hanbin grumbled, praying that he would leave him alone if he ignored him enough. Donghyuk wasn't having it and soon caught up to him, landing a heavy arm on Hanbin's shoulder.

"Come hang out with us after you finish your activities!" The happy-go-lucky boy smiled widely, flashing his teeth at Hanbin. Why was he so eager? They literally just met - accidently as well. Hanbin stayed as far away as he could for so damn long, yet why are they meeting now of all times?

"What?" he replied, sounding more rude than he meant for it to. It didn't faze Donghyuk whatsoever.

"Hey, it'll be fun. It doesn't look like you have many friends so why not?"

Donghyuk slapped his back, jerking Hanbin's body forward with full force. He grimaced at the contact. Hanbin hummed impatiently, itching to get away.

"I'm good." He pushed the others' arm of his shoulder and began to make his way to the assembly hall, making it as clear as possible that he didn't want anything to do with him.

"Wait, wait!" This time round, he didn't hear the sound of footsteps behind him, "you haven't told me your name yet. Mine is Donghyuk!"

Hanbin turned around, feeling agitated, "I know what your name is. There's no reason for you to know mine."

"Please?" He asked as he pouted his lips and raised his eyebrows higher than ever, "how are we supposed to be friends if I don't know your name?"

"We aren't friends. And I wasn't planning on it either. You're really annoying me though so I'll tell you if it means you'll leave me alone."  
He sighed before continuing, "It's Hanbin."

It was a bad idea telling him his name and he knew it as soon as the words left his mouth.

Donghyuk perked up at hearing his name. "Nice. I'll see you lunchtime, ok Hanbin?"

He was off in the other direction before Hanbin could tell him he wasn't going to see him at lunchtime. Or any other time at that. Dismay settled in his stomach as he continued down the hallway, ready to meet his group. He really wanted this day to end quicker.

_

 

A piercing bell went off, signaling that it was the end of the period - or in this case, Hanbin's second activity with the seven freshmen. Thankfully, he had a wonderful time guiding them through the two hours. He always had great leadership skills that he never showed off, and this was a great chance for him to do so.

He was also glad that his extremely bad mood from before disappeared right away when he saw his group, cracking a small smile at them as they exchanged greetings.

"So, I hope these sessions weren't too boring or else what would be the point in me being here." He joked casually and they all laughed.

"Don't worry, you were fine." One of the boys praised him and Hanbin blushed a little at the flattering comment, telling them it was alright to leave for lunch.  
He waited for all of them to leave first, saying goodbye to each one of them, then headed out the door with his head full of happy thoughts.

Hanbin felt like a ball of sunshine as he glided down the corridor with a small bounce in his step. This year's group was by far the best and he couldn't help but feel attached to all of them. Honestly, he would be one hell of a parent. Unlike some people.

The double doors to the dining hall were finally in view when out of nowhere, someone practically jumped on to Hanbin. He yelped audibly and covered his mouth in embarrassment. His hands were shaking tremendously, but he hid them within his sleeves.

"You ready for lunch? I've been looking for you everywhere man!"

Donghyuk basically dragged Hanbin along with him, not giving him one chance to retaliate or fight back. He couldn't do much once he sat down reluctantly at a table far, far away from his own. In the midst of the chaos.

Horrible, this was just horrible.

Five minutes into lunch and the room was echoing with noise. Everywhere Hanbin looked there were someone standing or sitting or talking and he felt smothered in it all. He lost his appetite by now.

"Donghyuk?"

Hanbin looked up at a puzzled Junhoe, who was shooting daggers at Donghyuk. He didn't know someone so calm had the ability to do that.

"Oh, June! This is Hanbin, he's my new friend starting today." He responded with ease, avoiding Junhoe's glare.

"Doesn't look like he wants to be here though. Right, Hanbin?" He faced Hanbin this time, forcing eye contact.

It sounded more like a direct threat rather than a question; Junhoe was far more scarier than he expected, so Hanbin was a little taken aback. All he could do was stare at him, unable to find words. He sure knew how to stare at people by now.

"Nah, he doesn't mind being here." Donghyuk spoke with his mouth full, oblivious to everything around him, Including an angry Junhoe and a hopeless Hanbin.

For the rest of the break, Hanbin tried multiple times to tune everything out. But luck was not on his side today and he kept zoning into conversations he didn't want to be apart of, sighing quietly every few seconds as the other two completely forgot about him.

After a while, another boy by the name of Yunhyeong joined their table. He seemed too friendly and welcoming and Hanbin didn't want to deal with that. Despair was the only suitable word to describe Hanbin right now.

He turned his head away to look at busy environment around him, contemplating what a long week it'll be. Very long indeed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im rly unsure about this one but have this mess anyway lol. also I didn't check over this so I'm sorry if there's spelling/grammar mistakes...
> 
> and yes feedback is very appreciated ;;
> 
> thank you all who read this! muah :*


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two more unexpected meetings and Hanbin can no longer keep up.

Clouds were nowhere to be seen as the sun smiled down brightly in the clear blue sky. It was the embodiment of what happiness should look like. Yellow and blue. Warm but cool.

Today was the final day of orientation week. It flew by pretty quickly, no issues whatsoever. Hanbin wouldn't say it was boring, but maybe a little too smooth for him. 

Truthfully, he was expecting many obstacles and yet there were none. He was constantly on edge, but successfully managed to forget about his worries in no time. Donghyuk and his friends being one of those many worries.

Everyone in the group were much closer to each other and even Hanbin felt like he was apart of something. He promised to say hello once in a while and for the first time in his life, he really meant it. He hoped he wouldn't forget this promise.

They were now walking to the tennis court, which was located behind the school. Since it was the last day, he thought it'd be nice to spend it outside in the warmth of the sun.  
He mistakenly assumed that there'd be no one else there when he squinted into the court and noticed two people playing a match.

"There's another group here?" One of the boys asked.

"I....didnt think there would be. Wait here."

Nervously, he made his way to the court. He didn't know why he was feeling all these nerves eat up his mind bit by bit. There was a sour taste in his mouth; he didn't like it.

He cautiously pushed the gate open, scared for no reason but also for a million reasons at the same time.

The boy nearest to him dropped his arm, which was midair, ready to bounce the tennis ball. With a warm smile, he jogged over while waving his arm lowly.

His friend looked a little annoyed even from this distance, and Hanbin started to feel bad for interrupting their game. He guiltily met eyes with the boy who was walking to him.

Unexpectedly, he had quite small, delicate hands, and along with that, a short height in general. Hanbin couldn't figure out which grade he belonged in.

"Hey, is something wrong?" he asked calmly, despite sweating profusely while trying to not pant as much in front of Hanbin. The sheet of sweat covering his face made him look naturally shiny instead of disgustingly sweaty.

If he had to be honest, Hanbin was slightly jealous; the boy practically came out of a telivision advert.

"No, I just have a group here," out of habit, he began to scan the boys face and all the details on it, "and I thought this place would be empty but I thought wrong." Hanbin laughed dryly.

His features were eerily familiar, and he quickly thought back to everyone he's ever observed, wondering if this boy was one of those people. Probably.

"Oh, ah - sorry about that." Apologetically, he grinned as he scratched his nape. The balls of his cheeks glistened in the sun, and that's when Hanbin noticed a heart-shaped mole on his right cheek.

It was safe to say this boy was a creature not from this earth.

"Don't worry about it. I'll just take them elsewhere." Hanbin tried his hardest not to ogle the fairy standing in front of him and hoped his words were coming out in full sentences.

"No, no. They can totally stay here! It's not like I own this place or anything." He laughed with his shoulders, which were actually somewhat broad.

Hanbin widened his eyes, feeling grateful for his presence, "really? Thank you so much, seriously."

"My pleasure, we can even get to know each other." He winked, spinning around and shouting something at his friend (who was annoyed a lot more than before).

_

 

Laughter erupted throughout the tennis court as Hanbin's group played energetically with one another, cracking jokes and making fun of the teachers they met so far.

Meanwhile, Hanbin sat on the ground, leaning lazily against the fence behind him. He smiled at the view in front of him.

"Mind if I join you?" The boy was wiping his face gently with a white towel, beads of sweat hanging low from his jet black hair.  
He took a seat next to Hanbin anyway, knowing he wouldn't (couldn't) reject his offer.

"Man, that was the longest game. I forgot how annoying thirteen year olds are." He snorted

"They're not that annoying...." Hanbin trailed off, feeling like an overprotective parent.

"I'm just joking!" The other lightly pushed Hanbin's shoulder with his, "so, what's your name?" He took a swig of his water.

"Hanbin. What's yours?"

"Huh, I like it. I think I've seen you around school before - you're pretty quiet," another gulp, "I'm Jinhwan."

They exchanged knowing smiles.

Hanbin had a question burning a hole in his mind, but he didn't know if it was appropriate to ask, so he just sat there opening and closing his mouth like a goldfish.

Jinhwan gave him a funny look before chuckling to himself, "do you wanna ask me something? I think I already know the answer."

Sheepishly, Hanbin nodded, "What uh- what grade are you in?"

As soon as he said it out loud, Jinhwan burst into laughter, grasping at his stomach tightly. Everyone in the court gave each other confused looks while Jinhwan dramatically wiped tears from his eyes.

To say the least, Hanbin was ready to die.

"Idiot, I'm the same age as you!" His voice was far from harsh and Hanbin felt a blush coming on. He couldn't believe he thought Jinhwan was younger than him; he definitely had a mature atmosphere, unlike literally everyone in the grades below him.

"Sorry it's just-"

"Yep, I know. I'm short and girly looking." he deadpanned, "good thing it gets me places." He sneaked a wink at Hanbin, jumping up to his feet.

Hanbin's eyebrows knitted together in puzzlement, figuring out what thart could mean. What kind of places exactly?

"Well, I should get going. Hey! are you coming or what?" the towel draped fittingly around Jinhwan's neck as he twisted it to glance at his friend, who was now making his way to him, making it obvious that he ready to leave. 

The short boy looked a few centimeters taller from the ground as Hanbin squinted up at him.

"Alright." Hanbin muttered.

Jinhwan grinned the second time that day, making those round cheeks of his rise again like two suns.

"You're really weird you know," he laughed to himself, grabbing his sports bag from the ground, "see you 'round." They both made their way out, Hanbin staring at them the whole time.

Frankly, he didn't know if this was a one-time meeting or not. The uncertainty drove Hanbin crazy; he hated it so much. He'd always make decisions by his own words, knowing exactly what and how things would happen. These sudden events left him feeling lost, like he was losing grasp on his perfectly controlled life that's he's been used to for the longest time.

These sudden events stirred emotions in him that he's been keeping a lid on for his whole life. Just like he vowed to, ever since he arrived at this school.

He gave into a deep sigh, giving a sad look to the freshmen laughing ignorantly - happily - with each other.

_

 

Monday.

Hanbin wasn't one to go along with cheesy clichés, but Monday mornings were an exception. He detested them.

The hallways rattled with screaming, hysterical laughter and teachers telling off students. Hanbin resisted the urge to cover his ears as he dug his nails far into the skin of his palms, leaving prominent fingernail marks.  
It hurt like hell, but at least it kept him grounded and distracted from the loudness that pained him a lot more than any physical injury could.

Minutes later he arrived at his classroom, which wasn't as loud, however by now, any small noise could easily set him off.  
Ignoring everyone in the room, he promptly headed for his usual seat.

It was located a row in front of the last one, next to the wide window. Perfect. He could blend right in with all these people around him and had the bonus of losing himself in his daydreams. And that's exactly what he did.

Blocking out the white noise filling his mind, Hanbin allowed his thoughts to drift slowly out the glass barrier and into a world of their own. Mindlessly, he began to think about the place he called home - if he could even call it that at all.  
But if it wasn't, then what could be his home?

He belonged nowhere.

Then his thoughts made their way to the section in his mind called Boarding School. And why he was sent here. And why he didn't fight back. And why he let her treat him like sh-

"Excuse me?"

Hanbin jolted in his seat, causing the chairs' legs scrape on the floor. He winced visibly, tears pricking his eyes at the sudden jump scare. Slightly annoyed, he twisted his body halfway in his seat to find-

To find-

Waves of hazelnut brown. A Striking jawline, carved only by a sculptor. And the tenderest eyes, ones you could see only once in your lifetime. Ones you'd pay money to look into for the second time.

"Sorry, didn't know you were the jumpy type."

Oh god. His voice: it's exactly what Hanbin imagined it would sound like but the complete opposite too. Low, husky and rough.

Maybe he was imagining this; he didn't really expect to meet this boy ever. It's too soon and not a pleasant surprise whatsoever. He was only planning on observing him like he did with the rest of the school's population.

"Hello?" He waved a hand in front of Hanbin's turned-to-stone face. Only then did life return to his eyes, diverting them to the boys face again, scared he's actually making this all up in his mind for some reason.

"Ah, I'm sorry. I was just- yeah. Did you need something?" Hanbin's voice cracked mid-sentence, instantly making him want to run back to his dorm room. Maybe even out of school.

His face flushed a bright, embarrassing red.

The boy sitting behind him didn't say a word, instead letting his eyes tell Hanbin to calm down and not worry. This was tragic, the fact that Hanbin let his guard down without hesitating one bit. This wasn't like him.

Then he answered Hanbin, "Yeah, do you have a spare pen? I forgot mine in my room." He smiled bashfully, letting his subtle dimples come out of hiding.

"I'll check." Hanbin quickly spun back to the front, digging messily in each of his pockets. He was too nervous to turn back around, so he handed some forgotten black pen over his shoulder, hoping the other would take it already.  
The boy took it gingerly from his hand, "thanks, I'll give it back when class finishes."

"Sure." Hanbin mumbled, but it was too quiet for anyone to hear.

_

 

Unconveniently, the lesson dragged on for what seemed like hours. The teacher's words went in through one ear then straight out the other.

Hanbin didn't feel like himself; he wasn't taking notes, paying attention or even daydreaming like he always had for the past four years.

Only one thing was taking over his mind: the eyes burning holes into the back of his head. He could physically feel the lasers blasting directly at him. Why today? Why him?

Why couldn't he live one more year in peace?

And so the lesson continued whether Hanbin liked it or not; it wasn't optional really. Honestly, he did try his best to involve himself in the lesson but gave up in the end.

By the time the lesson finished, he was sure there were now two huge holes sitting comfortably in his skull.

_

 

The insufferable sound of the bell finally rang after centuries of waiting and Hanbin didn't have to think twice before sprinting out the door, almost slamming into someone.

He heard someone faintly calling out behind him, but Hanbin ignored the voice completely as he kept his head down and paced towards the dining hall, intruding thoughts swarming his mind.

It was getting harder and harder to keep them at bay and he hated the feeling more and more with each step he took. Painfully, his throat started to close up as hot tears threatened his eyes. Hanbin knew why he felt like this, it was as clear as crystal.

He had tried his hardest to avoid any sort of change, and it worked ideally for years. Hanbin was adapted to living a quiet life; no friends, no secrets, no promises. No attachments.

This sudden alteration of meeting new people and talking in general gave him goosebumps. He wasn't used to anything like this.

As well as change, it was the emotions that came with the burden of keeping everything locked in.  
Hanbin mastered the art of hiding how he feels; he rarely showed a real smile on his face, always tight-lipped and stone cold; never allowed anger to be an emotion that took over his body; he never even shed a tear.

Not until now anyway.

Angrily, he wiped away at his eyes, hoping no one would give him unwanted attention. Everything was out of his control.

He arrived to a hall filled to the brim with loud chatter and shrieking laughter. Stagnant, Hanbin scanned the room, contemplating if he should even stay or just go sit outside by himself. He almost turned around when he locked eyes with Donghyuk, who was waving frantically at him and smiling from ear to ear.

Junhoe and Yunhyeong were sitting in their regular booth too, completely ignoring Donghyuk's annoying presence while having their own conversation.

Hanbin didn't have a choice now, grimly making his way towards his new friend group (if he could even call them friends).

"Dude, you look like death. A girl dump you?" Yunhyeong teased as the other two snickered along with him.  
Hanbin tried his best to join in with the joke but his laugh felt stale when it left his mouth.

Donghyuk threw his surprisingly strong arm over Hanbin's shoulder, which he still wasn't used to, "nah, Hanbin's fine. Aren't you?"

Hanbin nodded, his insides feeling strangely warm out of nowhere, "I'm good. It was a bad morning, that's all."

All four of them ate their food, talking casually about who was in their classes and placing ridiculous bets on the most unrealistic situations. They were stupid despite two out of three of them being the smartest students in the school.

"You know that new guy? He's gaining popularity fast." Yunhyeong announced, picking at his food warily.

Junhoe scoffed, "So what? It'll die down soon anyway." He took a spoonful of food into his mouth.

"Yeah but all the girls are really far up his ass and it's only been a week." Yunhyeong retorted, "don't you think that's a little unfair."

Donghyuk smirked to himself, "Speak for yourself."

"Shut up you literally had one girlfriend." Yunhyeong flipped a breadcrumb at him.

The other flipped it back, "Two, actually," he smiled mischievously, "right, June?"

Junhoe glared at him, "Don't call me that and don't involve me. I don't care."

Both Yunhyeong and Donghyuk rolled their eyes at Junhoe's pessimism and proceeded to argue about the amount of girlfriend's Donghyuk's had.

"Wait, what new guy?" Hanbin wondered out loud and waited for someone to respond.

Donghyuk widened his mouth theatrically and gasped loud enough for the tables around them to hear, "You know, there was that guy at orientation assembly. He was way taller than everyone there."

Of course Hanbin knew who they were talking about, he was just way too curious to hear what others thought about that boy. He pretended not to know.

"Oh. Right. Did he have brown hair?" Hanbin tried not to sound like he cared and luckily it worked, thanks to his social interaction skills that he hid so well from everyone.

"I think so. But the hair doesn't matter, it's his face that gets all the girls." Yunhyeong stated as a matter of fact, pointing his fork at his own face.

"And the body." Donghyuk added.

Junhoe grimaced, clearly not enjoying this topic.

"Yeah, yeah."

After ten more minutes, the bell rang again, telling all the students to head over to their next classes. Hanbin and the rest began to make their way out along with hundreds of more people.  
It was cramped and annoying, successfully making Hanbin groan to himself.

As soon as they were free from the crowd, he left without saying bye to his friends, too tired to talk to anyone. But obviously, Donghyuk had to grab on to his arm to keep him still.

"What's your dorm number? You still haven't told us!" he frowned.

"I- Uh- I really have to get to class." Hanbin tried to scramble out of his strong hold but Donghyuk's hand wouldn't budge.

"Hanbin, you know I'll find out whether you tell me or not so just tell me now. Please!" He dragged out the 'please' in a high pitched voice.

Fortunately, Hanbin made Donghyuk let go of him, shooting an apologetic smile to him before running of in the opposite direction. Away from his classroom.

"Bye then!"

Hanbin felt slightly guilty, nonetheless he buried his feelings and forgot about the whole thing. Like he always has and always will.  
That's right, he was used to doing it. It was normal, it was second nature.

He didn't acknowledge the gnawing feeling in his stomach throughout the rest of the day.

_

 

At last, the agonisingly long day finished.

Hanbin idly walked through the courtyard to his dorm. The sky was a mix of mauve and sapphire blue, making it look just like a painting.

He appreciated the silent moments like these, taking in the fresh air around him, basking in the emptiness of the school.

By the time he got to his room, the sky was a deep purple. It was autumn, so the days got darker much faster. He set down his books on his spotless desk and dropped with a thud on to his bed.  
And lay there as still as a lake, losing track of time.

Chanwoo was nowhere to be found, which was strange but Hanbin thought nothing of it. He was probably studying in the library or hanging around in a friend's room since he didn't really like staying with Hanbin in the silence.

A knock came at the door; it was expected actually. Hanbin grumbled into his cushion, really not wanting to see or talk to anyone (particularly Donghyuk) right now. He dragged his heavy legs to the door, sighing in the process.

"Jesus seriously Dong-"

"Here, you forgot to take your pen."

A large hand reached out to him, his slender fingers holding the freshly chewed on pen up to Hanbin's face.  
The boy was wearing baggy, grey sweatpants that rode low on his hips with a white shirt that was just as loose.  
It undeniably showed off his defined chest, which made it hard for Hanbin to look at him with his eyes darting about.

He swallowed hard, "you can keep it. I have plenty of pens on me."

That same smell. Coal tar and peppermint, it was stronger than ever as it filled the stuffy corridor and the space between them. It was what masculinity would smell like, it was street fights and forest fires and unrequited love all in one.

It was something entirely new.

The boy smiled gratefully at him, "are you sure? I just needed it for that one class."

His words meant one thing, but his actions meant another as the pen was already tucked in safely in his pocket.  
Hanbin didn't know what to do, so he done nothing.

After putting the pen away, he continued, "um, I just wanted to apologise for scaring you away. I didn't know you were so- so uh-"

"No!" Hanbin waved his hands brashly in front of him, "I mean, it's alright. Please, don't be sorry I was just feeling tired." He felt so open, looking like a complete idiot right now. The boy was calm the entire time, not once giving him a weird look.

"Alright," slowly he looked to his right, exposing his broad neck, "I'll get going then. Thanks for the pen."

"Ye-Yeah no worries." Hanbin watched him walk away, needing him to leave yet wanting him to stay a little longer. Foolishly, he felt a strong desire to say something else. Anything.

There were so many questions polluting Hanbin's mind.

The boy put his hand on the doorknob when out of nowhere Hanbin called out shakily, "I don't know your name...."

So, so much regret. But at least Hanbin will finally know what to call him, so he didn't let the feeling eat away his last bit of confidence.

The other beamed back at him, answering him almost willingly, "Bobby. You?"

"Hanbin." He half-whispered.

"Cool, I'll see you later then." Bobby waved softly at him and closed the door, leaving Hanbin all alone. 

Only then did Hanbin realise how loud his heart was, beating a thousand miles per hour. It'd jump out any minute now. His hands were also shaking violently, like tiny earthquakes erupting throughout his skin.

Hanbin counted each breath he took, gradually calming down.

"Why are you sitting on the floor....outside of the room?" Chanwoo looked him up and down a few times, not used to seeing Hanbin acting so strangely.

"Nothing, don't worry."

Chanwoo grumbled, "whatever, just get inside already." He walked past him into the room, radiating annoyance.

But Hanbin couldn't bring himself to stand let alone walk, so he sat there replaying Bobby's smile in his mind over and over and over again. It was ridiculous, all these feelings bubbling up inside of him.

Quietly, he basked in the unfamiliar comfort until he convinced himself that meeting Bobby was all a mere dream he was having.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to rewrite this chapter cuz I didn't like how it turned out the first time. hopefully it's better now :-/
> 
> also, just in case anyone wants to know these are the hair colours/styles they all have:
> 
> 160727 - junhoe  
> 170412 - chanwoo  
> 170521 - jinhwan  
> 161231 - donghyuk  
> 160723 - yunhyeong  
> 160115 - bobby  
> 160522 - hanbin
> 
> and as always, feedback n comments are rly appreciated <3

**Author's Note:**

> welp. here it is. I don't know anything about boarding schools or orientation or whatever so this is a bit wonky n weird. I hope this isn't too messy I know my writing style is inconsistent :-( 
> 
> p.s I completely made up the name of the school so there's that.
> 
> p.p.s thank u to nico who corrected some spelling mistakes :> !
> 
> feedback would be greatly appreciated <33


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